On my way home from school, I stopped at Walmart.
Confessions of a Walmart shopping list for those forty-something.
1. Beeline to foot care section. Those nifty pads for warts that grow on the bottom of your feet. Ewe gross. But looking at all the other gross foot products I decide there’s worse stuff than planter’s warts. Check.
2. Round the corner to the Feminine Product Aisle. Purchase one of everything because I never know what shows up these days or when or how much for how long. Check.Check. Check. Check. Check.
3. To the back of the store for the other essential. Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt. You know, the kind that is supposed to make little bubbles in your tummy so it can stay flat. In other words, it has secret ingredients that make me not bloat up like I’m 6 months pregnant. It’s no fun if there’s no baby. Check.
4.On the way to the Jamie Lee section, we cross the CLOTHING section. Lots of cute stuff, Walmart. You almost (but not quite) give Target a run for their money. Cute, cute, dresses like this one. Perhaps if Jamie does her magic it might work. $10.98? Worth a try. Check.
5. Lots of fruit and veggies. Grapes on sale! Check, Check!
6. A stop in the tortilla chip and cracker aisle. While I’m standing comparing the fiber content on the tortilla bags, a stunning, perky little twenty-something in a skin-tight dress comes prancing down the isle with a preschooler on her hip. Really mama? You just wait, missy. One of these days you’ll be scanning for fiber content, too. Growl. Check.
7. Pick up Aleve as I walk by a corner stand. That seems to be something we need in our cupboard for some reason. Sports injuries I think. Or was it arthritis? Oh well, I’ll need it soon enough. Check.
8. A few more things for the fam, and I’m off for home with the feel-good food, wart-removing band-aids, Jamie Lee products, and cute new dress. Gonna be a fun night! Check, check!
Grab a few grapes in the car while driving. Wait, they have seeds. Now wonder they’re so cheap. Oh well, they’ll help in the Jamie Lee department.
Get home, run a couple miles, my calf blows out, cramps up and gotta call Papa to the rescue so I don’t have to limp a mile home.
Try on the new dress for the date with Dad. Looking back at me is a cross between my 4’11” Italian grandma and Mrs. Doubtfire. High hopes shattered for the cute little dress that only fits the young perky mom in the chip aisle, who still has a chest and a waist. No cute little modeling session like my spunky young blogger friends. My readers just get a picture of grandma’s dress. It’s going to the return bag with the other cute dress that did make me look pregnant.
I’m gonna hit the town with Papa in my jeans and forty-something shirt, gonna drown my sorrows in a basket of deep fried tortilla chips and lots of bean and rice.
Before Jamie, there were beans.
I’m glad my papa loves me, planter warts and all.
It’s a down right pain to be beautiful.
“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.” Prov 31:30.
I like God’s beauty plan a lot better than Walmart’s. I’ve got a much better chance at success.